Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in dreamtoescape13's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, August 17th, 2006
3:33 pm	daisy yay im getting daisy tomorrwo after work, im riding her into town. its going to be really fun. me an dleah are taking ttwo horses into endurencee that'l be interesting. daisy is black ^^ but i cannot change her name :89 cuz she comes to her name. that kinda really sucks but oh well. ttylz (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 16th, 2006
2:46 pm	last night last night..was good..me and tegan went to see miami vice, i swear to satan, that we were going to get kicked out. Stupid nosies i was making, things i was saying..good times..then..i came home, tegan was at her house, about a quater to 11 josh calls..he wants to come over to get his sunglasses...fuck...so he comes at 11, says hey wheres my hug? i give him a hug chocking back tears we talk a little then he gives me a hug...fuck i was crying before he let go..i love him so much..so that turned my night horribly depressing, i cryied myself to sleep again... Current Mood: lonely (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 13th, 2006
7:15 pm	Dear Josh, I hope your feeling fne about us, just being friends because im not. i feel fucking horrible. im locked out of the day forever, my now new found trash life is drown from time and space its self. so im frozen, frozen in loving memories of you. But im roughly jerked out from these and sucked back into this cruel reality you all call life. with my sad lonly sobs slowed i write this letter to you josh, in hopes of finally stopping, stoppng what you once started, a series of crying. im cryng harder now because im crying for you. Love...who knows anothers love? the more you love someone, the more you know the burnt out loss of love. the more you heed the silence of unknowing in the face of anothers spirtal culture. and still through all this i love you no less then i did yesterday. thats what i want you to understand. i didnt care that you left and abandoned me what hurts more is that i would still die for you. i gave and still give my heart and soul to you If i hadto live my life over again i would erase that night. Never mind my words i talk to much of my wounds and falures, how could...my heart is cut so deep i can hardly talk. i feel a stingy hurt againall over my skin, the same hurt i felt when you first dumped me unchanging indifference. im blank and depressed. just know i still love you. (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 10th, 2006
10:52 pm	crying all day thats rght cried myself to sleep, woke up cryng and cryied till 3pm... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 9th, 2006
10:26 pm	BREAKDOWN!!!!!!! (Comment on this)
10:12 pm	josh says: i dont think we can be together anymore, the long distance is to hard, and trying to picture doing it for 2 years feels impossible, especially after spending a few weeks day and night with you......im sorry fuck im crying so hard rioght now im glad im not going to work tomorrow..i feel like doing thngs i promsed i wouldnt..fuck..this fucking sucks. I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you. I'm gonna close my mouth nowYou don't need more noise in your lifeI miss you more than you knowBut I know time makes you move onIt's funny how things work out, The ones we need don't know we're there, If I were sand and you were oceans, the moon would be why your pulled to me wake up and think dreams are real, I sleep so I don't have to feel, the truth that you can never be the one person that I won't ever forget. I hope that dreams come when I die, So we can talk I won't wake up, I'll ask how your life worked out, I'll never know that I'm just dreaming. so let me sleep some more..... FUCK!!!!!!!! my fault.. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: dreams to make believe (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 3rd, 2006
5:04 pm	josh why are you like this. what did i do. i was i wanted to think by my self wtf is wrong with you, please your making me fucking cry so hard right now. ok so you want to break up with me. ok i think i can handle this. Im breaking down. i really am. im sorry josh. but if you dont think you can do this then goodbye. stop calling. and stop talking. just leave me to my tears and blood. Current Mood: disstressed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
4:11 pm	may i may i please die? can i kill myself? or can you do it for me? i want to die please... please let me pick up the knife again, let me cut long and deep, let me use a razor blade or scissors i dont care just let me bleed........ Current Mood: distressed (Comment on this)
3:48 pm	why why do people become so attached that they do so much for them? i rfeally dont understand. how one persons emotions go onto some one else. i just dont understand. through everthing i went through and am going through i dont want people close. i want my distance. i want to be by my self. no concetions. how people let others do that i will never know... how the bonds between people are made is a mystery beyond my thoughts and mind. Current Mood: blank (Comment on this)
3:31 pm	fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!!!!!!! WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!! i hate this....i really do..why am i like this, why am i so depressed. i was use to getting so much attention and now i get none. could that be it. no it really cant. i like being left alone. people just dont realize it. i need time alone. when i walk quite dont get mad. im thinking i need to think i need to sort things out. not talk about them. i want to do things on my own. Current Mood: cynical (Comment on this)
10:59 am	why.. ...you once told me not to cut over you...was that your goodbye..i dont know what happened..what is going on...im so lost and comfessed. you say you love me one day and the next its changed, but i guess your a guy. but its not alright. so you sit there, you read this, let me cry, let me bleed. you once told me you wanted me to find enteral happiness and now i know for sure..there is no such thing. i'll never fnid what youwanted me to have. Just leave me. everyone just leave me to my tears. let me be. let me die alone and in peice. leave me to my internal suffering. if anyone cares about then they would understand. they would leave a comment saying goodbye and that would be all... Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006
4:12 pm	die fuck, i dont know why this is now like this. theres no way out of it. THIS IS FUCKING WHY I AM ANTI SOCAL!!!!!!! THIS IS WHY I HATE PEOPLE AS MUCH AS I DO! im not one to start a convo with someone, im not hte kind of person who is seen looking people in the eyes. Ok so im afraid. Im scared, i feel lost alone and scared. why? why can't anyone help me. its one thing to tell me to do it and why, or to tell me there past. you show slowly, like a horse you show them little by little that its ok. WHY THE FUCK and WHEN THE FUCK did i relize im like this. Even before this, the way i am, i never looked people in eyes. im scared and frightened, of what might happen to me again, to many times it has happened to me, and now once again i think it is happing..i just have no more emotion left to show. i hate this. i cant do this. i want to move far away. i want to break off and go into my own world, and mine alone, no one to talk to me and no one to hurt me. and people wondered why i cut. ITS FROM ALL YOU MOTHER FUCKERS OUT THERE THAT CALL/CALLED THEMSELVES MY FRIENDS, you just dont know me do you? you just have no idea what i hold in, and all the tears and blood i cry every day. if you all just broke off and left me alonei would be fine. and fuck another mistake i made, making friends with russel, fuck im so stupid. theres just another bind. but i like him hes cool.GAAAAAAAAAA FUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKK I WANT TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Comment on this)
4:10 pm	So here we are We are alone There’s weight on your mind And I wanna know The truth, if this is how you feel Say it to me If this was ever real I want the truth from you Give me the truth, even if it hurts me I want the truth from you Give me the truth, even if it hurts me I want the truth So this is you You're talking to me You found a million ways to let me down So I'm not hurt when you're not around I was blind But now I see This is how you feel Just say it to me If this was ever real I want the truth from you Give me the truth, even if it hurts me I want the truth from you Give me the truth, even if it hurts me I know that this will break me I know that this might make me cry You gotta say what’s on your mind On your mind I know that this will hurt me Break my heart and soul inside I don’t wanna live this lie I want the truth from you Give me the truth, even if it hurts me I want the truth from you Give me the truth, even if it hurts I don’t care no more, no Just give me the truth, give me the truth Cause I don’t care no more Give me the truth Cause I don’t care no more, no Just give me the truth Give me the truth Give me the truth Give me the truth Give me the truth Cause I don’t care no more, no (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 26th, 2006
5:57 pm	Hey, today was fun, josh is over and it is so much fun. nothing real exciting happened today. mel got hit and almost a conconsion, josh, mel, andrew and leah are here. Tegan is on her way, there watching a movie. im really bored. nothing to do. i dont want to do anything i feel blah. i think im going to go outside..maybe...there is no point to anything right now..i dont know why, but i feel like this has been a dream, pointless little mother fucking little i dont know. tjos sucks im leaving bye Current Mood: blank (Comment on this)
Friday, July 21st, 2006
1:49 am	haha haha I tried to make a propasition with Josh...ne day when your up here i will wear a pink shirt no make up and blue jeans -or something like that only if you let me dress you all in black i have a shirt for you and let me do your make up for one day and he said no no no no, fuck that haha you better lay off em drugs, im not gonna go goth not even for a day. now he says maybe lol. this will be interesting! it'll be so much fun. i know he'll never go goth and thats fine :D i dont care what he wears. i love him no matter what he's wearing (though sometimes i'll tell him he looks like an idiot) i just wanna see this for a day!!!1 Current Mood: restless (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 20th, 2006
1:09 am	blah that discribes my day in full, blah. I did nothing, i made no acomplashments nor did I break any records. I sat and went on msn, slept, talked to josh and have been ever since, well pretty much. tomorrow i am going to peterbrough to see appey. I am also going to the movies again, and going shopping again. I have done two drawings, both of which totaly suck. but whatcha to do. i confussed josh by telling him the needle dream life, made by the ones with the powers, it quite confussed him. I will have to show him on monday. anyway nothing exciting. OH except everytime i try to go to bed i see that mans face, he scares me he really does. I can't sleep, i keep seeing that grinish smirk that he puts there, and his arms grabbing mine, so i go to bed in tears and toss and turn with nightmares and on and off sleep till im so exasted i deep sleep. and dont dream. anyway now i must go, till next time, farewell darlings! Current Mood: calm (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 19th, 2006
5:33 pm	my b-day today was pretty good..i went and saw lake house, it was a good movie but it was sad:(. I went shopping with my grandma:P some cool stuff. and i talked to josh for a while:) i love him alot. nothing really exciting happened, just a regular old day Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 18th, 2006
5:30 pm	omg I really don't like toronto anymore. I was walking along the street semi late at night ang i started talking to this 38 year old and we were walking and we got lost so we cut across a field that i knew and he grabbed me and kissed me! i was so scared!!! i was shaking sp badly. When i got home i told Josh and he made me feel alot better. I'm so happy he was online. But that guy knows where im staying. i just want to get home and get Josh. Any way tomorrows my b-day. sweet sixteen. Current Mood: scared (Comment on this)
Monday, July 17th, 2006
7:58 pm	the cutters lulliby The cutters lullaby Go to sleep and close your eyes, And dream of broken butterflies That tore their wings against a thorn. You know the pain that they have endured silver metal shine so bright scarlet blood that feels so right. dream of that blood trickling down, and wake up just before you drown. the moonlight shining off your tears as you bleed out your worst fears. so tonight when you start to cry whisper the cutters lullaby: hushabye baby, your almost dead you don’t have a pulse and your pillow is red. your family hates you your friends let you bleed sleep tight with a knife, cause its all that you need. Rockabye baby, Broken and scarred, You didn’t know life would be this hard. Time to end the pain you hid so well And down will come baby, Straight back to hell… Current Mood: calm Current Music: car underwater (Comment on this)
7:38 pm	a young tortured soul memories of happiness fad into nothing dreams of freedom are crushed into dust nothing is left but a young tortured soul seeking in life something to hold for all in life was taken away to a place far away out of light and out of dreams her soulless eyes wander the sea but all that is found is much more pain no peace is there and so she dies her sweet desend was all she wanted but something was stoping her for death is not the worst evil rather wanting to die but cannot so forever she moves where the waves may go never finding out why she is here.. her crys are heard throughout the water the sad sobs of her dead soul.. is all that may be heard please rescue her from her own tortured land for all that is left is a young tortured soul Current Mood: weird Current Music: as i lay dieing (Comment on this)